Brunswick Beacon, 02.13.25
Trump’s idea of Making America Great Again is turning Greenland Red, White and Blue and renaming the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf of America. Why stop there? There’s so much more we can accomplish, provided we don’t mind turning our closest friends into enemies.
Obviously, we should seize the Panama Canal. But the Suez Canal handles even more ships than Panama. Let’s seize Suez, too!
The Great Lakes are ours! All five should be named for American states, and Canada should become one. Canada has teams in the National Hockey League, the National Basketball Association, and the American League. Canadians are practically Americans, even though they now boo “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
No more woke names! Let’s change New Mexico to New America, Mississippi to Mr. Sippi, and Colorado to “how-dare-you-mention-Color-ado.”
Let’s rename the Rocky Mountains the Rocket J. Squirrel Mountains to show we won’t be pushed around by Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale. Trump isn’t Putin’s puppet, even though he appointed Tulsi Gabbard Director of National Intelligence.
Congressman Mike Collins (R-GA) wants to deport Bishop Budde, who asked Trump to “have mercy” on immigrants. Unfortunately, she was born in New Jersey and cannot be deported. Trump should fix that with an Executive Order that forces Central and South America to stop stealing our name! From now on, Google Maps will label them “Deportland” because that’s where we’ll deport people Trump doesn’t like, whether they came from there or not.
Trump pronounces Yosemite with a long “I” instead of a long second “E,” which can be awkward. Let’s spare Trump future embarrassment and rename what he calls “Yo-Semite” to “Yo-Christian” National Park as a shoutout to Trump fans wearing shirts that say, “Jesus is my savior, Trump is my President.”
Let’s bring back Freedom Fries and make Parisians call a Royale with Cheese a Quarter Pounder. Who cares that they use the metric system. Hamburgers are every bit as American as frankfurters!
Larry Widman
Leland
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